Blake Elsner 0:25

Today we have a very spectral Nicole. She's the author of Silent No More and The Long Goodbye, two books rooted in real life experiences of trauma, grief, resilience, and personal growth. One thing I always tell listeners is that everyone has a story. The titles and accomplishments are great, but it's the journey that connects us all. Today we're going to be going beyond the books and get to know the person behind them. Shannon, thank you so much for being here. Welcome to the show.

Shannon Nicole 1:05

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

Blake Elsner 1:07

Absolutely. So let's uh let's get to know you. Who who is Shannon and Nicole? Did where did you grow up? Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Shannon Nicole 1:15

I grew up in the Midwest, uh in the suburbs of Kansas City, Johnson County girl. Uh graduated from Shawnee Mission South.

Blake Elsner 1:26

I love that. And and when you graduated there, what was what was the next step?

Shannon Nicole 1:32

Uh the next step was I got married young at 18, and my husband went into the military. So after he finished basic training, we were stationed in Utah for four years, which is where my first son was born.

Blake Elsner 1:51

Oh, I love that. So child, you know, you're kind of moving around. So in Utah, first child born. Did you ever dream about becoming what who you are today with, you know, an author, an advocate? Obviously, we our grief, nobody expects to be in grief, right? Um, but you know, from from a writing standpoint, from you know, wanting people to, you know, or teach people about, you know, life and healing. Was that always something that you had a passion about?

Shannon Nicole 2:20

You know, I I never did actually. I never dreamed that I would be an author or write a book. Um, you know, they say that in your lifetime, the average person has three different careers. And so I guess this is embarking on my second career. So I just ran with it and leaned in.

Blake Elsner 2:39

I love that. And so, like with with the uh careers prior to this, what what was there something that what what did you do prior?

Shannon Nicole 2:48

Yeah, so I'm an HR professional. I've been doing that for for 26 years. Um it's crazy to think and say that I've been in it for for that long. But you know, it does kind of align with my my purpose today as far as advocating and helping others, because in HR, you know, we exist because of the human factor, and there's always people, and anytime there's more than one person, there's an opportunity for growth and development because people don't always agree and there can be conflict.

Blake Elsner 3:17

Yeah, you're yeah, that's absolutely correct. And being being in HR and being surrounded by people, obviously you you get to uh deal with the personalities, emotions, and and obviously you got to be the one that kind of keeps it in check.

Shannon Nicole 3:30

Yes, that's that is for sure. I like to say that uh I've got very strong influence skills. Um let people come to the to the idea themselves and point out all the little landmines and roadblocks that could go based on taking a different route.

Blake Elsner 3:48

That's it's a good it's good setting the scene here, you know, for for telling people like, hey, who who you're you know, your your backstory, what kind of led you to this. But then I obviously want to transition right into um finding your voice. And what what made you all of a sudden write a book called Silent No More?

Shannon Nicole 4:09

Yeah, so um it wasn't until until later in life. I I published that book in 2025, so just short of a year ago. Um, but what prompted me to do that was uh toxic narcissistic relationship and becoming a survivor of domestic violence. I don't wish that upon my worst enemy. And living and going through that experience and seeing how the system works and it's not necessarily there to advocate or or help victims was very eye-opening and shocking to me. Um, and then I just felt that I I feel like I have a responsibility to share my story because a lot of people don't feel comfortable coming forward. And for whatever reason, I do, and I'm I'm glad that I do, and I am happy to share my story. You know, what's interesting is when people hear that I've read a book or wrote a book or they've read the book, people will tell me the most intimate details of their life. It's like a way of connecting people. Um my Botox lady, I was surprised that she read my book. Um, and she shared a story of a similar experience, not domestic violence in case anybody knows her, um, but just a toxic relationship. And so it really does cross over to anyone. It doesn't matter your age, your nationality, what job you do, um, those themes are common.

Blake Elsner 5:37

Yeah, you're right. And I think as you know, there's victims out there, right? That a lot of people that haven't, you know, come forward because of I'm sure shame, guilt, embarrassment. Uh you know, there's things things like that. Um, somebody that studied criminal justice, I I think, you know, thinking back on all the cases we studied, domestic violence calls are still obviously um probably the most dangerous calls for I think law enforcement to have to uh go to. And stuff like that. So tell us a bit about you know, I about the scene. So uh were you arrested? Is that originally what happened?

Shannon Nicole 6:18

I was so um I don't know. I mean, it's been in the news. I don't know if you're familiar with the um Secret Lives of Mormon reality show. Okay, so everyone knows Taylor Frankie Paul and and her story, and um she has a very similar um experience to me with reactive abuse. You know, she's a public figure, so hers played out for the world to see. Thankfully, mine was not, but there there was a video. Um, there was an altercation with a person that I was in a relationship with, and I don't even know how he was filming, and I didn't even know. Like when you're in a tussle, the last thing you think about is someone would be filming it. And so because they saw me defending myself on on video, um they they went with that. I mean, I had a a gash on my leg, I had when you're strangled, you get uh Pikachu on your forehead. Um, and my hairdressers asked me what those those bumps are because she can still see them. Um I had a yeah, neck contusion, you know. I've got I've got spinal stenosis now, which uh there's no cure for. It's uh progressive. And so I call them little souvenirs that I got. They kind of give me a reality check. But um after that, the police came to because we called 911, and you know, five hours later they showed up. He was already gone, asked me if I wanted to press charges. It was in the middle of the night, so I was like, no. Woke up the next morning and saw the you know, the bruises, and they had gotten worse after I'd been sleeping. So then I went to the emergency room. Um, they actually called the police and said I could still press charges. Um, again, waited hours for them to come and they didn't. And so finally, two days later, I did go to the police station and was like, I want to press charges. And I spoke to a female officer. And do you know that she told me that the statute of limitations had expired? I'm like, in two days? I mean, obviously I was in shock and I didn't have family around, so I was dealing with that um on my own, um, and kind of felt helpless. So I went online and looked for um attorneys that, you know, can give you quick, free, you know, legal advice. They told me that I should go to the district attorney office and someone would take my statement. They did take my statement, told me that they were gonna issue a warrant for his arrest, which I was like, great. Um, and then they said that he had come in and showed the video, and unless I had a video showing that I was defending myself or that I was being attacked, that a warrant was gonna be issued for my arrest. And that is when my nightmare started.

Blake Elsner 9:04

Wow, and so that's was there a warrant issued for your arrest?

Shannon Nicole 9:08

There absolutely was. I had to go and and turn myself in. I spent 12 of the longest hours of my life in jail. You know, it's something when the the people that work there pull you aside and are like, you don't look like you belong here. And I'm thinking, no kidding. They were like, I hope you have a good attorney. I was like, I do. Um, yeah, it was just terrible. And then so one of the, I mean, it's funny now, it wasn't funny then. Um, but one of the things that they do during the intake is you have to go get your vitals checked by a nurse or whatever. So the nurse is taking my my blood pressure and she says, Your blood pressure is a little high. And I looked at her and I said, I'm in jail. Like, yeah, my blood pressure is a little high.

Blake Elsner 9:55

True.

Shannon Nicole 9:58

So yeah. Again, it wasn't funny at the time. I can laugh about it now.

Blake Elsner 10:02

Yeah, so wait. So you're you're sitting there in jail, you obviously eventually get out. So what what do you feel like like you said, everything was just kind of working against you? Like, how did you turn kind of turn it around to try to fight for you?

Shannon Nicole 10:19

Yeah, so once I found out that I um that a warrant was issued for my arrest, um I immediately sought legal counsel and got that all set up. Um, it was a fortune, but it was very well worth it. Um, so we were able to get my bond arranged and arrange a time for me to to turn myself in. Three years later, um the the charge started out as a felony and eventually got dropped to a misdemeanor. And three years later, because my attorney is amazing, um, it was just mess.

Blake Elsner 10:55

Oh well, that's and the the other the guy, he never he never got arrested until I guess this is he's gotten in some trouble recently, huh?

Shannon Nicole 11:06

Yeah, so you know, everyone always says, you know, that there's karma, and many, many times you do not get to see karma, but through the grace of God, I'm being able to see this karma because um I was able to see because court records are public that he uh had a charge um earlier this year for strangulation because uh leopard doesn't change its spots. And um, so yeah, so I actually have reached out to the district attorney, um, let her know uh my case number and his his priors, and she shared that she was well aware of that, and if it did go to trial that because I told her I would help whatever you needed, I I'll take Stan, I'll be a witness. She said she um would let me know if it goes to trial and she would reach out to me.

Blake Elsner 11:56

Wow, that's uh you know, as as you kind of sit here and and talk to me about this, I the extent of this story is it's pretty fascinating, to be honest. Um I'm sure you know, I'm sure you could really dig into the past of how it happened or what led up to it. And you know, obviously a video at a certain time will indicate, you know, that yeah, if you're missing the other half of the video, it's just kind of like some things we see on the news, right? You know, if you're missing the other half, you're not informed, right? You think informed the wrong, it's almost like propaganda in a way. So that's that's tough that you would have to, you know, navigate all that from a just you know, a decision that ultimately said, hey, no, you're the one that was guilty. And to be able to spin that and to like to tell yourself like you know, it wasn't me is a it's a powerful thing to do. And I'm sure even harder to do than somebody who, you know, got justice up front. Um so profitable on that because I feel like you're coming at it from a very different angle and and an angle that I would say is probably a a special, I won't I want to use the words like niche, but um you know, there's probably somebody out there in very similar situation like yourself that's probably been kicking themselves down and beating themselves, you know, up. Um so hopefully just hearing that um, you know, and going forward will help somebody like that. So going on, yeah, going on, switching uh switching scenes for kind of a second. Um thinking about like grief and this process, like how did you grief like, hey, I'm the guilty one, according to the courts, right? But hey, I'm not. Like I'm the one that's hurting. How did you grief that?

Shannon Nicole 13:57

It was hard. Um, I'm I'm still grieving it. Um I didn't re learn that I had spinal stenosis until last year, so I'm I'm still dealing with the aftermath of that. Um, it was very therapeutic and cathartic to to write the book and get it out. It took me a long time. I had to take a lot of breaks, um, and it brought all of that trauma back, you know. So um, but I was glad that I did. I also did some volunteer work in a domestic violence shelter because with my HR background, I'm able to, you know, provide clothes, but I was able to get my friends to to donate and help with resume writing and interviewing skills. And what I found is that the the shame lives in silence. And once I started talking about it, that was part of my healing. Like I'm healing in real time as as I'm helping other people. Um, and so it it's kind of surreal, it's it's it's it's a beautiful thing, and I'm grateful for the opportunity and to be able to do it. And again, because I know that there are so many people that are afraid to to speak up and um and I get it, and I don't judge for that.

Blake Elsner 15:14

What what did it feel like when that like charge was finally dismissed? Like, hey, like kind of what you're doing, right?

Shannon Nicole 15:20

Oh my god, it was it was like I said, it took three years, but I was I was elated, like I I I I couldn't believe it. Um I'm sure somewhere through the process my attorney probably told me that that was how it was gonna go, but I don't remember because I was probably just not in the right headspace. In fact, there was many times I would tell my attorney, I would be crying and telling him, I was like, you know what, I don't even want to do this anymore. Um, but it's a great thing to have an attorney that believes in you and and is strong for you when you can't be.

Blake Elsner 15:56

Yeah, pro yeah, props to that um person. And and I'm sure if I'm sure I'm sure you mentioned the name, I'm I'm guessing in the book, right?

Shannon Nicole 16:05

I did put him in my acknowledgments. I haven't sent him a copy of my book yet. I want to so bad. I don't know why I haven't.

Blake Elsner 16:10

Yeah, yeah, there you go. That's that's a that'd be in my office if I was if I was him. But um yeah, no. How did your family respond to all this?

Shannon Nicole 16:20

Um they I think were were shocked. You know, I've got I've got two adult sons, and I didn't want their experience to be learning about it from the book or from other people. So I had conversations with them in advance in doing that. And I will never forget um when I shared that with them, um, there was a pause and they said, mommy, speak your truth. And I just so much appreciated that.

Blake Elsner 16:50

Oh, that's uh that's awesome. And that's true. Like, speak your truth, be raw, you know, be open, be authentic, and it takes you places you know you you would never expect. And um, but that's that's the power of being real. So what would you say people misunderstand about survivors?

Shannon Nicole 17:09

Um I think the biggest misconception is why didn't you just leave, or why didn't you leave sooner, or you know, how did it get to that point? And it's really not a a one-time thing, it is a process and a progression because it's all about um control, right? So they can control um who you talk to, do you spend your time with, where you go, how you spend money. Um, you know, I did an interview recently, and my sister was there, and she shared from her perspective, and she said, you know, she knew that something was going on, but she didn't know what. She said that I had started pooling away, and that when we talked, I was very guarded and would guard guide the conversation. And that was the first time I'd ever heard her her say that and share that.

Blake Elsner 17:59

Wow, that that that's interesting. Let's see that you you end up hearing stuff like that, and then it's it's just like it's wow. It's like wow, like that's pretty neat, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I I guess grief changes people, right? Um, sometimes it breaks us, sometimes it rebuilds us, as I would say. Let's uh transition over to like some healing and growth. Um what what is that? Or actually, let's go, uh we'll do that at the end. Let me sneak in a segment about the grief and and the long goodbye. Tell us about your dad.

Shannon Nicole 18:33

Okay, yeah. Um, I was a daddy's girl. Um, we probably all were. I have two sisters, so I'm in the middle. And um he unfortunately was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, um, which is very aggressive. And um it was hard. Um, fortunately, I was in therapy at the time, and my therapist was a lifesaver. She really helped me um frame it as this was my father's journey and not my journey. So my job was only at 11, because initially, when he would share what his treatment plan was going to be, um, I didn't necessarily agree. I'm a very opinionated person. And so I would remind myself, you know, um Elle, that's what I referred to her in the book. I was like, Elle told me that, you know, this is this is his journey. And so once I released myself from having to like solve it or whatever, then I was just able to be in the moment. At the time, I was very fortunate and I had the companion task with Southwest Airlines, and so I went to visit my dad probably once a month, and I had every conversation that I ever wanted to have. And and it was at that time that I was thinking about um writing a book, and I shared a couple of the entries with him, and I don't know, you know, how that made him feel, but I was glad that I was able to share that with him.

Blake Elsner 20:05

That yeah, that's pretty neat. And and what what would you say like was like the most important lesson he left you?

Shannon Nicole 20:13

Um he raised three very independent, strong women. He was the youngest child in his family, and he was the only boy. So he had all sisters. So he was surrounded by all these females, and so he was definitely our rock and um and taught us to be strong. I don't think he wanted us to have to depend on a man. Um so yeah, that's what I would say.

Blake Elsner 20:39

I love that. You know, I I think uh we all should be raised like that. So props, props to your father, and uh, I'm glad you get to honor him in that book. And and uh I know it didn't, you know, obviously didn't end the way he probably wanted, but I think everything happens for a reason and a story, and and like I think it's part of your your purpose in in life to continue both of these things.

Shannon Nicole 21:03

So I agree.

Blake Elsner 21:04

Yeah. So tell us a little bit about healing and growth. So um is would you say healing's ever really finished?

Shannon Nicole 21:13

Um, I would say no. Healing is is ongoing because when you become a different version of yourself, then there's different things that you need to to heal. So it's a it's a constant. Um I I um in college I would always say that I'm a lifelong learner, and it's and it's true. It doesn't always have to be academically. Um it could be in your job, it could be in your personal life. And so now I am, you know, I've taken a step back in my career a little bit to free up time for my personal life. And so it's nice to be able to have time to focus on that and to continue to evolve and grow as an individual.

Blake Elsner 21:50

Yeah, no, I that that seems like a perfect answer that I think people in general could take notes and try to use that themselves. So um Um, how do you deal um with like hard things now today? And like how do you deal with, you know, if there's still you know trauma that it still comes up, how do you like suppress that?

Shannon Nicole 22:12

Um well, I don't suppress that. And one of the things that I did because I was like, I obviously am not a uh psychologist, a social worker, or anything like that, but I thought that it was important for me to understand trauma. So I did uh recently get certified as a trauma support specialist, um, which provided um insight to me as to you know different ways that that trauma shows up. Um and so that was a learning, a learning opportunity for me. But um I just I've got a daily gratitude journal that I do. Sometimes uh the only thing I can be grateful for is you know waking up. Other times I'm you know grateful for being able to have a conversation with you. Um and then uh I like to listen to music. Music was a really big part of my father's life. He uh taught himself to play the piano by ear. Um, and so I'll I'll put on a good playlist, actually have a daddy playlist um of all of his songs that I put on there. So I like that. I'll journal. Um sometimes I need silence and just to go inwards, kind of like process and reflect on things.

Blake Elsner 23:25

Yeah, I love I love all that because yeah, like the gratitude thing is one thing that for the past couple years I think I've I've been practicing the most. And it's like just waking up and like turning on the faucet. I'm like, oh, thank God. Thank I'm blessed to have this water turn on, like, or your toilet flush. I mean, just like the smallest stuff, but it goes such a long way when when you do that, or like you know, you give great give you know, give gratitude um before you you know grab your cell phone in the morning, like just like thanks for waking me up another day, right? Right so no, that stuff's powerful. It does change your mindset and it changes how you you know think about the the small things and and and grace and and faith, and so all that stuff uh really helps you stay grounded, I I think, um, is how I would put it. So, what advice would you give somebody um who's carrying some like hidden pain?

Shannon Nicole 24:18

Um, I would tell them to be gentle with themselves that they didn't do anything wrong, and there's nothing that they should be doing. You know, if they don't feel comfortable coming forward, they don't have to. Uh, but there are confidential anonymous resources that are available. Uh the domestic violence hotline. Um, there's a lot of support groups out there. Uh, there's a lot of ways uh for them to get healing if they don't want to come forward. And I think uh another thing is that's interesting and helpful is that there's a lot of people that want to know how to be supportive to someone going through that. And the worst thing you can do, in my opinion, is say, if you need anything, let me know. Because that person doesn't know what they need. You know, they're barely able to get out of the bed. They probably need someone to make meals for them, to offer to drive them to some appointments, to sit with them and just be company or a sounding board. Um, so yeah, that's what I would say.

Blake Elsner 25:16

Well, that's uh I think that's great advice, and somebody that you know you're a perfect follow on numerous platforms to kind of help with that advice. And I know you got an awesome website and a consulting um firm for that as well. So um what's next for Shannon?

Shannon Nicole 25:34

You know, I don't know. Uh my mom keeps saying, you know, when are you gonna write your next book? But the funny thing is, is I never set out to write any of the other books. So, you know, I don't know. I guess I guess it'll come to me.

Blake Elsner 25:48

That's that's when you know the raw and the real is you're not you're not planning on doing it, and you know, your story turns into a book. And that's I think the the biggest impact um driven stuff is stuff like that that comes about like that. So I can't wait to see what happens. I'll be following along um to see that. So any uh yeah, any uh any final, I guess you talked about books, any final like hope for your you know that your work leaves behind um when when you're all said and done.

Shannon Nicole 26:20

Well, uh as far as my legacy goes, um, you know, I I wrote the book The Long Goodbye, which so my father's legacy can can live on. Um and it's also now available in the local library, which I think is awesome. Um and then for as far as survivors go, you know, I'm a sexual abuse survivor as well as a domestic violence survivor. Um I it means a lot to me to to share my story and and give back um and to help as many people as I can because sometimes the system, you know, doesn't doesn't help and you don't know what you know when you're at that that rock bottom place.

Blake Elsner 27:00

That that that is true, and I um I would not be surprised if one day I'm like sitting here going, Oh, there's Shannon coming up to speak in St. Louis about some event. So I I I would somewhere, somewhere, right?

Shannon Nicole 27:13

Yeah, I'm sure uh I'm sure it'll it's in the future and we'll Well you know my best friend lives in Wildwood. So I'm out there, yeah. Um I could be out there.

Blake Elsner 27:25

That's uh beautiful, beautiful municipality of St. Louis County, that's for sure. That is a beautiful place. But um, okay, well, I like to do a little rapid fire, leave people with a little bit of fun at the end if you if you're ready for that. All right.

Shannon Nicole 27:40

Yep, I'm ready.

Blake Elsner 27:41

All right, coffee or tea? Coffee. Coffee. Uh we were joking about that before the show. About ice coffee, yeah. I know we won't talk about that one. But yeah, beach or mountains? Uh beach. Beach. Uh there's not many people. I you know, I I think people like the beach over the mountains. I just seems to be the the going answer. Uh morning or night?

Shannon Nicole 28:06

Morning.

Blake Elsner 28:06

Oh, yeah. There's I think people like the the driven ones always on my podcast, like them. They're the morning ones. Yeah. So uh favorite book can't can't be yours.

Shannon Nicole 28:17

I know, right? Because I was gonna say, oh, I know.

Blake Elsner 28:20

Can't be either of those. I mean, if if you want to say it, we can leave it at that. We can leave it at that.

Shannon Nicole 28:26

Okay, well, I'm gonna say silent no more, and not for obvious reasons, but I do feel like it allowed me to take back my power um and allowed me to restore my confidence.

Blake Elsner 28:38

I love that. Yeah, it's on Amazon if anybody um I know I looked at it last night, and you can get I think you get the ebook too, right? Or do you have the ebook? You can get the ebook, so you can have it in a matter of moments. So um, all right. Do you have a favorite quote?

Shannon Nicole 28:55

Um I do have a favorite quote. Um, and it is from my Angelo, and it is people will not remember what you said, but they will remember how you make them feel.

Blake Elsner 29:08

One of my favorites. That is that's spot on. And it doesn't, yeah, it doesn't take a lot to be nice, right? That's what I do a lot to be kind. It's very simple. So one word that describes your life today.

Shannon Nicole 29:23

Oh, wow. That's a good one. Um, I would say adventure.

Blake Elsner 29:29

That and and a lot of purpose right there is what I would go with. All right, and the last one, what was something people would be surprised to know about you?

Shannon Nicole 29:40

Uh I'm actually an introvert and a very shy person.

Blake Elsner 29:44

Well, that's you know, and and someone that's putting themselves out there, another raw and real um thing, because as somebody who's an introvert, they're not gonna want to do that, right? So now that you're putting yourself out there and finding your voice, it's gonna even be more magnificent. So that's awesome to hear that.

Shannon Nicole 30:04

They say that life happens outside of your comfort zone. So I'm leaning into that.

Blake Elsner 30:09

That is spot on. I figured that one out real fast. Well, not real fast. It's you you you think you figure it out and then you start to stray away and then you go, well, no, no, no, we're we're we're on the right path. But there's a lot of naysayers out there, people that are like, Why would you do this? Why would you do that? So you got to put them to the side and and keep believing and uh keep speaking like you're doing. So that's awesome. Any final words?

Shannon Nicole 30:34

Um, no, it was a it was a pleasure chatting with you, and um thanks for having me. This was fun.

Blake Elsner 30:41

Yeah, no, I I uh want to say thank you, and obviously your willingness to share your story takes courage, and I know it's going to encourage somebody um listening today at home. So whether someone is walking through grief, trying to heal from trauma, or simply looking for hope, I think they'll leave this conversation knowing that they are not alone. So if you're listening today, I'd encourage you to check out Shannon's books, Silent No More, and the Long Goodbye. And of course, follow the work that she's doing. She's on Instagram. You can find her there. We'll put her Instagram handle in the show notes. And as always, thank you for tuning in to Elevate with Elsner. This episode encouraged you to share it with someone who needs to hear it. We'll catch you next time. Keep showing up, keep going, and keep elevating.