Welcome to Elevate with Elsner. Join us for inspiring conversations with individuals who have transformed their lives and are making a difference through the work that they do. And now, Stories are too powerful to tell anywhere else. So we brought this one to the beach. Hey, it's Blake. Welcome back to another episode of Elevate with Ellesmere. We're recording this special episode of IVF 2.0 from the hangout house. A beautiful spot just steps from the Gulf with a pool out back and basically our front yard. It's the kind of place where you slow down, relax, and just remind yourself of the gratitude that life has to bring. With me is my wife, and she's going to dive into a lot of post-IVF life because the IVF process just doesn't stop. right after Lottie was born, like we did in episode one. So if you followed our journey, you know Cassidy and I did IVF. We recorded episode one when our daughter Lottie was- About six months old. About six months old. And she's a little over one, 13 months now. And this is what happens after the miracle, okay? So today I'm handing the mic to my wife, the real MVP of our story. We're talking about healing identity, postpartum struggles, love, and how IVF changes you even after it works. So grab a coffee, take a walk, or sit with us poolside, because we're diving into the other side of IVF. So let's go. Cass, thank you for not just this conversation, but for everything, for being a warrior through it all and for showing up today, the same heart that got us through IVF in the first place. So Yes. Hi, I am Cassidy, Blake's wife. We are here today during nap time. Oh, yeah. So we're squeezing this in here, hoping that she does not fuss or cry, but the monitor is just steps away. And we've loved being here at the hangout house. There's been so much fun with our two kids and making Yeah, and to anyone listening, if you're in it, you're recovering from it, or if you're supporting someone just going through it, know this, you're not alone. And there's life on the other side of the waiting. And the reason why we recorded this at a special place like here at The Hangout House, because it gave us the space to breathe, it gave us the space to reflect and just be. So if you ever, like I said, need a place to reset a place to celebrate your own miracle, just break it with your people. We got a special code for you at the end of this show. And it'll be in the show notes for you to experience the awesome spot of the hangout house. Just five minutes from the ocean. If you walk. I'm going to sprint. I bet you I could sprint in Wait, have you seen those reels where you go on a full sprint with someone? Yeah. I think we should do that. You Yeah. See what everybody looks like. And I think we should do it. And then we should see how fast Matt can sprint. Although we've been seeing him sprint at his little baseball games. And, And the problem is one of us would pull something on our way. Yeah. My ankle does tend to give out when I, you know, start So let's just let's just dive into some questions about that. So obviously when Lottie was born, you know, you build up all this adrenaline and then she comes out and it's kind of like, now what in a way, right? Well, and throughout the whole pregnancy, of course, like we worked really hard to get to the point of being with Lottie, making it to the end. I was really monitored very closely through all of our doctor appointments and things, just because I also have some blood pressure. So there was just. a constant sort of anxiety trying to get to the day of March 14th. And we always knew that March 14th was going to be our delivery day. And because I will always deliver at 37 weeks due to blood pressure. And so, you know, that date was always in our mind, like, let's just get to March 14th. Let's just get to March 14th. And that was always kind of the focus throughout the whole pregnancy. And I think that women who have any sort of loss or any sort of struggle with infertility or go through IVF, anything, really put a lot of pressure on themselves. Or I personally put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that the pregnancy went very well, as well as it could go. like, you know, what I what I was eating, what I was drinking. And you start thinking of all of those things. And of course, your anxiety is a little bit high. And I was just always had a lot of pressure on myself, I think. And it caused me to not feel like probably who I am. And we'll kind of get into that. And when I started feeling like Yeah, you're in you're in a fight or flight mode for you know, months and months. And so your body after you finally, you know, I guess, complete, I don't want to say the challenge or complete the miracle, then you start to kind of figure out that wait a minute that that's something that's not right about your body so i feel like you're always trying to like hit those checkpoints like okay so let's make sure we get to the first ultrasound and we checked that off our box so now we're looking forward to the next one and i think in pot in the first episode i talked about how being present in the moment and that's really hard when you're carrying a baby that you've worked so very hard for. And I think this happens to not, you know, it happens in a lot of pregnancies with friends that I've talked to and that you're just, you know, you're making sure you're getting to the next like checkpoint, right? And like, then you feel the baby move and then it just brings out a little more like, oh, did I feel her move today? Have I felt her? And you're just constantly kind of in a worry state or that's how I experienced pregnancy after IVF. I was just worried and I wanted to get to the finish line. And then, of course, after the finish line, there is a lot more that happens right after the March 14th date. We definitely made it there. And then now we're continuing our journey of Yeah, so how would you say IVF changed the way you look at, let's see your own strength as a woman, and as Yeah, I think that when I went through IVF, it's not the only thing that I was going through at the moment. I was, of course, getting my master's in administration. I was a full-time teacher. And I think that it just really shows you how resilient you are and that, you know, if you do put your mind to something, get it done and the things that are important to you, you know, always you hold space for those things. And then also just realizing that you have those people that you can lean on and that you can also be there for other people because of what you personally went through and your story always can help others. And I think that sometimes women, we, There's not always a lot of conversation around maybe miscarriages and losses. And I think we're getting a little bit better at that, but it definitely needs to be talked about because I feel that a lot of us are going through these things. And so I think that also IVF has provided an opportunity for me to have a voice that I Yes, no, I completely agree with that. So if you go back and talk to yourself on day one of this process, because I was, I was clueless. What would you say? Like, now that here we are, she's 13 months, you know, what would you say something to somebody who is hard Probably to just give yourself a little more grace. There was a lot of times when I panicked about the shots and I remember I called my wonderful nurse in the middle of the night because I was just worried that I didn't alcohol swab before I did the shot. And that is just, it's those little things and you think you're going to mess it up at every little step. And I even have a friend who's going through some things and had last night and I, and she was like, do you think it went in? And you know, it's like those kinds of thoughts are always racing through your head. So if I could go back to day one, I'd probably say, let's give ourselves a little more grace. Um, we're not going to mess it up. Um, and then of course, you know, use your resources. Like, you know, I, I remember sitting in the kitchen, watching a million videos and replaying them over and over so I could make sure that I was doing it exactly right. And I think that you almost, in a sense, become a nurse when you're going through this process, because they send you home with all of these supplies. And they walk you through it a little bit in the clinic. And then they're like, here you go. We have some videos online. Best of luck to you. And you're pulling things up in a syringe. And honestly, it's given me some great knowledge. Now I'm giving you a shot. And I'm like, oh, I got this. I could pull up a syringe any day. But honestly, if I were to go back years and years ago, before I even knew I would ever go through something like this, I probably would have told myself, hey, you might want to consider maybe being an OBGYN, like something in that field, like a nurse or, because truly throughout this whole process, they realized how passionate I am about it. And I love talking with my friends about it. And I've had some friends that have gone through some struggles and I just really love the whole process and how big of a miracle it is. no matter what, any pregnancy, any birth of a child is an incredible miracle. And I think it's just so fun to watch and support moms through it. So that's probably what I would do if I could go back a long, long time ago. Of course, I love my career, but I do think I'm passionate about that Yeah, that's another hard part. You had to go through your It wasn't the best time in our lives to probably do it, but he said, you know what, we're going to do it. So what do you think shifted after Lottie was born that Yeah, so one of the things is I think that I knew that postpartum wasn't going to be the easiest thing for me to get through. I knew because with Mac, we had experienced it once before and I was younger then, but I also knew like I need to prepare for what's coming once we get home from the hospital with our baby. And so I did as much as I could to prepare knowing that There was going to be a lot of hard moments. We're learning about who this new baby is that's entering our family and we're learning all about her. She's learning all about us and learning how to be in the world. One of the things that shocked us, I think, is that she definitely did not sleep for about four weeks. She did not like laying in her crib without any kind of movement. And I think that I put a lot of pressure on myself postpartum to feel so happy. I now have this baby that we worked so hard for. And of course, I was so happy. I was full of joy. But there's also... She wouldn't stop crying. Yeah, there's also that part of you that still... has those postpartum feelings and that it's very hard. And I think sometimes I wanted to think like this, I don't want it to be hard. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be blissful. And that's just not always the case. And there's going to be those hard, challenging moments when the baby's learning and you're learning about the baby too, because every baby is very different. And we definitely learned that with Lottie compared to Mac, you cannot compare one to the other, of course. And so There was, I just tried to not put as much pressure on myself with like breastfeeding and everything. And we did move quite into like into formula pretty quickly. And I think that took a lot of pressure off of myself. And of course everyone's journey is different with postpartum, but you know, I was worried about the pressure that I put on myself. Definitely. How do you think IVF changed marriage? Yeah, it did. But prior to IVF, a lot of our focus was, let's have a baby, let's have a baby, let's have a baby. And when that kind of just starts to consume you month after month, negative pregnancy tests, you're let down, you go through losses. I was quite a few times when I was in and out of the hospital, that puts a little pressure on your marriage, on you as a mother, on you as a teacher. And I, you know, there was times I had to take days off. the guilt of all of that, the guilt of me, like, you know, I want to be healthy for the child that I do have here on earth, which was Mac, right? And so there was times when that topic was very scary, going through all of that, rushing into the hospital, you know, like, thank goodness my mom was there and kind of there to support too, when we couldn't always be together. But like when the pressure is so much on having a baby, having a baby, having a baby, that's very hard. And then I do feel like recently we were driving in the car and something came over me and I was like, whoa, I'm starting to feel like me again. What's me? Because so much of me was you know, being almost like this body that was going to carry the baby. I feel like I kind of like just transformed into that role. And that's really where I was focused. And so it was a long time there where I kind of lost myself in it. And it's very easy to do. And then, so when I lose myself in it, our marriage kind of gets a little lost and tangled in there too. And so I think after IBS, we've seen like a big shift in our I felt like there was a lot of times like, oh, I'm doing this, I'm doing this, I'm doing this, and it's just, it was all my body. There's like, you know, but you were watching your loved one go through I mean, well, yeah, you're giving shots and then. And the shots are over. And like you say, she comes out, she's happy, healthy. Well, it was 12. She did. She did suffer a little colic. You And you're going, we worked this hard. Why Yeah. It's hard, but like I said, you have to give yourself space and you have to understand that Not about just like one another, but about Mac, about You have to show up for yourself, you have to show up for your family, you have to show up for everybody that is relying on you. You feel like, you know, if it doesn't work, you feel like you need that time. If it doesn't, you know, from a, from a, you know, a partner standpoint, all you can really do is, you know, have words of encouragement and try to just stay as positive as possible. Even though in the back of your mind, you know, you're as worried as, if not more worried, you know, than the individual carrying the baby. So, I think it's a it's a tough time, but so what are you most proud of when you Oh my goodness, well so many things. I don't know, I just I'm just so happy that I I look at Lottie and like she's getting ready with me and I think it's just like all of those like I see Mac like with you on the baseball field and I'm just like oh my goodness like. Wow, this is like a big responsibility that we have, like we are raising two human beings, but I think like you like you've shared so many like valuable things with Mac like on the baseball field like I love like looking out like those are like my proudest moments are like seeing you be a great father to him and then a great father of course to Lottie and then Lottie of course doing the girly things with me and um And just like the small moments. I think the magic is like in the small moments, like the day-to-day stuff. Like when Lottie's sitting there and she's doing her pretend makeup with me and she's like sitting in the sink while I'm getting ready. And it just reminds me of like some of the moments like back with my mom, like, you know, and then Mac, we were watching Matilda last night and just the comments that he has about it. It's just the magic is found in the small little moments. And honestly, the moments that you don't expect it, like the things that he was saying last night when he was watching Matilda were just like cracking me up and I think that I'm just very thankful for what we do have. And I don't know what the future really holds. What would you say to women right now that are, you know, struggling silently? Yeah, even if it's their husband that's struggling. Like I said, every one in four is the man So, you know, it can be both sides, but in our case, You know, it's it was a little different. So what would you tell a woman right now that's quietly struggling with a utility that hasn't spoken up? I think it's okay to not speak up. I mean, honestly, it just depends on how you are wanting to experience the process. I've had, after the last episode, I had some people reach out to me that are going through it and then I had no idea. Just kind of the same thing with when we talked about how my Facebook, my Instagram, my everything was very much a highlight reel until I started speaking out about it on my, platforms, no one would have known, right? And I always think like, oh, there's a lot of people who are walking through the grocery store and we have no idea what they're going through. And then, like, I just think it's okay. If you don't want to speak up, that's totally fine. I'm a part of a Facebook group for IVF moms who are going through it. And there's a lot of people who post anonymously on there. And you know what? That's just that's the way that they're going about their journey. I'm taking this way to speak about my journey. It's okay if you want to stay quiet, if you don't want to tell. That's always okay. But if you're quietly struggling, Honestly, therapy was a big thing for me. I had a wonderful therapist that worked with me through right after my first miscarriage before Mac, and then kind of got to see like the whole process. And I think that's a powerful thing to do if you're not, if you want to stay quiet about it, if you want to not speak out. and but just maybe find your close circle or find those that can't you do trust and that can be there for you while you're going through it because you definitely need somebody. So what did sport really look like to you? And what wasn't? People try to reach out for help and they think they're helping but they're really... Yeah, I think some of the... I think you got to be careful what you say to people who are going through this journey. There are some things that were said to me sometimes like, just get drunk and go do it or go on vacation and you'll get pregnant or... It's fine, bring them with you. Yeah. I mean, it's just like those kinds of comments. are not helpful or like, oh, well, I knew a friend that got pregnant while they were planning to go through IVF. And I'm like, that's great. That's their story. My story really came down to science, which because I have PCOS, which we touched on in the first episode. So it came down to science. And I just think it's important that if when you are supporting someone who's going through it to to watch maybe what you say a little bit closely. And, you know, I had some people comment like, oh, well, that baby just wasn't viable. No, when I had miscarriages, right? And no, maybe that baby wasn't viable, but it was still a very big loss for our family. So just making sure that you're being respectful and being aware of what possibly you're saying to someone who's going through something like this. My biggest support was people who listened. I had my very close friends at work, and I just felt like they are so trustworthy. many of them have not gone through IDF, but they have some friends that went through IDF and like just connecting me with those people was so helpful and you know just like genuinely they wanted to help and just helpful through it all. Like, oh, I got Mac if you need help with this. Or, you know, texting and saying, how's it going today? Like, I know that your retrieval is today or something. Those kinds of just little supports. Like, how are you as the mother? And it's not always about the baby, right? It's also about the mom. And I think And you see how big of a miracle babies truly are, because had we not gone through this entire process, this hard, tough process, Lottie would not be here today. So you look at Lottie and go, wow, if it wasn't for science, math, and all the people behind the scenes, this little girl would not be on this earth. as we know, it's the odds of becoming a human are one in Yeah. And I think like even this morning, I was talking to one of my friends who's going through a couple of things right now. And I was like, at what point did they decide that, oh, wow, we can freeze embryos. We can freeze things. Like, when did they think that? And it's just like, you have to think of the how far IVF has come, how far we've come in general, just like being able to support women through miscarriages and all of the science that goes behind it, and how many things truly have to go perfectly right when you are getting pregnant when you're carrying the baby. So it is always a little bit amazing to me just because it's never happened to us. When someone could get pregnant in the first month, I'm like, wow, like I am impressed. That is amazing for you and your family. When things are like not a challenge, I think it's so like That's a tough thing because I just saw something about the lady got slammed for talking about she got pregnant with all four children on the first try and you can too. And that's one of those slippery slopes. I think it's, But all children are miracles. So that was her journey. I think it's just important to say like, this was my journey. You know, everyone's going She wants to get her story out in a way, but in a way that's like, You win the jackpot and go around to the news and start talking about winning the jackpot. That's just not something I would do from a moral or integrity standpoint. Any last final words from the I don't think so. I have loved being here. Of course, I think a lot of people know that we love to travel. I don't think it's any secret. But I, one of the things that like we look back on these photos, we look back on these videos, Mac loves it. Lottie loves watching herself on videos. She's starting to get to that age. And I think that we just spend these days together and have so much fun and soak it up and then you know we get back and it's like back to the grind what we like do on a daily basis um and keep the magic happening even on the day-to-day yeah keep going right mm-hmm i do it because like it's the challenge isn't gonna end It is. And parenting is hard, also very rewarding. There's lots of curveballs thrown our way daily, hourly, every minute. No, I'm just kidding. Definitely hourly. But watching Mac and Lottie together, I was so worried about the four-year age gap. Were you? Did you ever, like, feel worried about it? Yeah. We were so in-depth that we just, Yeah, it was going to be whatever, but time kept moving throughout the whole process. Time doesn't stop, right? So every time I lose a baby or another month not pregnant, I would be recalculating, well, how far apart are my children going to be? That was hard for me, but now watching them and seeing what the four-year, a little over four-year age gap looks like, you can just, I can tell like, oh, this is right. This is what was meant to happen. God was with us. God maybe had a better plan than what we had. We've learned a lot. We've become stronger together. I'm back to really feeling like who I was probably a little bit. Yes, we are. I don't know if there's going to be another IVF baby or If you're listening to this and you're in the middle of your storm, whatever that might look like, because everybody's journey, like we said, looks different. We see you and we've been there. We've been through some storms. There's lots of sunshine out of our and rainbows that have come out of our storm. And if you're sharing our journey, and we just help one family keep going, then this episode did its job. And we're recording this from the Hangout House, like we said, and trust me, it's as peaceful as it sounds. And we're going to be dropping a special booking code next week if you want to experience it too. Until then, keep showing up. Who am I? Keep Elevating. That's right. One love. Until next time. From Thanks so much for tuning into this episode. We sure do appreciate it. If you haven't done so already, make sure you're subscribed to the show wherever you consume podcasts. This way you'll get updates as new episodes become available. And if you feel so inclined, please leave us a review and tell your